The Big-Ass Board of Wrestlers

Wrestler Nicknames Attitude Catch Phrases Description The Rock Brahma Bull Rocky Jabroni-Beatin' Pie Eatin' Heart Stoppin' Elbow Droppin' Eyebrow Raisin' Smackdown Layin' People's Champ Heel Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? Millions (and millions) of the Rock's fans It doesn't matter what your name is Just bring it Know your role and shut your mouth Candy ass! Smackdown Hotel! The Rock, one of the top pro wrestlers in the history of the sport and establishing a budding film career, is best known for his flashy maneuvers, exceptional mic skills and referring to himself in the third person. He's the first third-generation superstar (his grandfather was High Chief Peter Maivia and his dad is "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson), he's a 7-time WWE champion, he ran with The Nation of Domination, he's done it all, he's beat 'em all (except Brock Lesnar and Hurricane), and he's a goddamned treat to watch, because they give the motherfucker free reign to entertain. He's a part-timer these days, due to the fact that he's a goddamned movie star, but when he's here, he makes an impact. Stone Cold Steve Austin Texas Rattlesnake Bionic Redneck Face What? Austin 3:16 (says I just kicked your ass) {flipping the bird} {talking to his watch} {drinking beer} A mainstay in the WWF, Austin has been one of its most popular stars for many years. Best known for good tough-talkin' mic skills and his roughneck fighting technique. He's been tempermental over the last year, costing Muff dearly when he just up and quit in order to spend more time beating the shit out of his wife. However, he returned about a month ago, and was just "fired" by Eric Bischoff for "medical reasons." Apparently, his neck sucks. Not sure what the future holds for Austin, but there HAS to be an Austin/Goldberg match at some point. Bill Goldberg Pissed Off Jew Face Who's Next? Goldberg was a dominating force during the 90s heyday of the WCW, and he's been out of the sport for two years, having often criticized the WWE for being a circus of immorality and obnoxiousness that he didn't want to be a part of. He's apparently had a change of heart, and he made his debut on the RAW after Wrestlemania, picking a fight with the Rock. Word has it he's tough to work with and doesn't have a lot of technical mat skills, but he's got a huge fan base. Time will tell if he gets tempermental enough and pulls an Austin, or if he becomes a time-honored champion. Hunter Hearst Helmsley World Champion Triple H HHH The Game Face I am THAT DAMN GOOD! It's time to play the game! A legendary heel throughout his career and long-reigning WWE Champion, HHH has the distinction of being hated by wrestling nerds because he fucks the boss's daughter and thus gets to stay champion all the time. He's been 'mentored' by Ric Flair for a while now, and he recently tried to put together a group called "Evolution," featuring Batista and Randy Orton. However, Batista and Orton got all injured and shit, so that was temporarily derailed. Chris Jericho Y2J Ass Clown Heel Raw Is Jericho! Larger than Life Living Legend Jerichoholics Never... EVER! Ass Clown King of the World! A pretty boy tool who apparently uses a jar of something astoundingly labeled ASS CREAM, Jericho was the first ever Undisputed WWE Champion after uniting the WWF and WCW championships (conveniently, no mention of the ECW championship). Brandt likes him. Kurt Angle Your Olympic Hero Olympic Gold Medalist Heel The Three "I"s It's true, it's true {bragging about his gold medals} A brilliantly effective bad guy, Kurt Angle has generated more "heat" (fan animosity) than any bad guy in ages, as fans chant "You suck!" along with his theme song. He is also hilarious and God should bless him, although he recently suffered a neck injury that will keep him out for at least a few months, and he may potentially have to retire. The Undertaker Dead Man Inc. American Badass Face I'm the big dog and this is my yard. Decade of Destruction I'll make you famous. {riding to the ring on a motorcycle} Debuting in the WWF over ten years ago and kicking Hulk Hogan around, Undertaker has been kicking ass all over the WWF and shows no signs of stopping. Having gone from being a zombie to being Satanic to being just a tough-as-nails biker, 'Taker still got applause as a bad guy, because he's such an ass kicker. He's currently 'mentoring' Nathan Jones, who has shown the ability to do nothing more than a spin kick. The Big Show The Showster Face Well, it's the Big Show! Vastly oversized, the 7-foot-plus, 500 pound-plus Big Show is a former WWE champion and just a huge, overpowering man. He's just the biggest man in the federation and you'd better recognize. He catches a lot of flack from wrestling nerds for being fat and slow, and somehow still doing commercials for Stacker 2 "The World's Strongest Fat Burner." He's a funny guy, though. He spits a lot when he yells, and his voice can be weird sometimes. Kane World Tag Champion The Big Red Machine The Big Red Monster The Big Red Retard Face {wearing a mask to cover his "burned face"} Freaks are cool! The Undertaker's brother, Kane is a powerful badass who lasted for over an hour in the 2001 Royal Rumble and has some of the loudest pyrotechnics around. Fearsome, deadly and full of chokeslams, he's been teaming in an odd-couple relationship with Rob Van Dam, and they just became the RAW Tag Champs. Rodney Mack Formerly "Redd Dogg" Heel Having Theodore Long as his mouthpiece, making a lot of anti-honky statements on his behalf. Perhaps a former ECW guy, Rodney Mack debuted as a replacement for B2, John Cena's rappin' buddy. Then for some reason, he went to Raw and became Rodney Mack, to replace the recently fired D'Lo Brown as the 'angry black man.' However, Rodney's few attempts at mic work have been horrid, although his manager, Theodore Long, is better at it, and he calls people 'Playa.' He hasn't popped up much yet. Chief Morely Formerly Val Venis, The Big Valbowski Heel Mr. Bischoff... First introduced as a porn star during the 'anything goes' gutter-mouth days of the WWF, Val Venis was also brainwashed into an RTC stint, renouncing his towel-flaunting for a shirt, tie and hypocrisy. After that washed up, he dropped the whole Val name and went by Sean Morely, becoming Eric Bischoff's Chief of Staff on RAW. He's since started abusing his power by harassing the Dudley Boyz and forcing them to kowtow to him or be fired. It seems his job is to be the Bischoff to the mid-carders, although this guy is also a talented wrestler in his own right. He just lost the RAW Tag Titles, too, after naming himself a fill-in for the ill William Regal. Maven The First Male Winner of MTV's Tough Enough The Rookie Face Nothing yet - he's a rookie. The first winner of MTV's "Tough Enough" - a game show where handfuls of people compete for WWF contracts - Maven had made sporadic appearances with little success. However, with the guidance of coach Al Snow, he became the Hardcore Champion after beating the Undertaker (with help from Snow and The Rock). He never really gets to speak, although one time Torrie Wilson apparently blew him. He's still a bit green. Scotty 2 Hotty Formerly part of "Too Cool" Face {dancing around looking like a Backstreet Boy} {having the lamest finisher in history} Scotty is an upbeat guy with half-ass dance moves to spare and really lame clothing. The kids loved him. He used to be a member of "Too Cool" but then his partner Grandmaster Sexay got the boot because Vince wasn't happy with his father Jerry Lawler at the time and there was some trumped up drug charge, so Scotty's been floating around, and he's been injured for months now. His finisher is a bunch of stupid dance moves and then a fistdrop. No wonder he doesn't win much. Tajiri The Japanese Buzzsaw Heel Speaking unintelligible Japanese Tajiri's won fans over with his elaborately cool maneuvers and unorthodox wrestling style, not to mention the classic Asian wrestler gimmick of spitting "strange Ancient Chinese Secret mist" into opponents faces before beating them. He is a former Cruiserweight Champion, but he hasn't been seen all that much lately, in spite of the fact that he's pretty cool in the ring. He used to hang out with Jamie Noble and Nidia a lot for some reason. Sir William Regal The Former Commissioner The Goodwill Ambassador The Unamerican Heel You miserable toe rag! I've been besmirched! {using brass "knucks"} {having a torso shaped like a barrel with pipe cleaners attached} Pompous, British and comical, William Regal has attempted to teach class and manners to the denizens of the WWE with little success, and he also enjoyed a run as the Commissioner of the WWF and pulled plenty of unfair shenanigans. After making an ill-advised jump to the WCW/ECW alliance before they were crushed, Regal sunk to the lowest level possible and literally joined the "Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass" Club in order to keep his job. Since then, he's been mean and unpleasant and resorted to using brass knuckles to win matches, including the Intercontinental Championship. He's recently fallen ill with some sort of unexplained disease, so he had to abdicate his Tag Team Championship that he'd earned with Lance Storm. Not sure when he'll be back. Edge Formerly of Edge & Christian Face I reek of awesomeness! For the benefit of those with flash photography... {having Rob Zombie theme music} Formerly part of the 7-or-8-time Tag Team Champions Edge & Christian - a team which could occasionally make you like them despite their annoying pretty-boy personas and a team that won the Tables, Ladders & Chairs matches at two Wrestlemanias - he finally split with his brother after Christian's jealousy of Edge's King of the Ring victory and Intercontinental Championships got the better of him and resulted in a bitter feud. Edge recently suffered a neck injury that will put him out of action for nearly a year. He also had a part in "Highlander: Endgame" and has a large mouth with large teeth. Christian Formerly of Edge & Christian Heel You reek of lameness! {whining a lot, much like a little bitch would whine} A little bitch, Christian has operatic entrance music and a jealous streak for his brother Edge's accomplishments, since Edge is bigger, stronger and generally more interesting. He's recently been teaming with Chris Jericho and perhaps sharing his ASS CREAM. Matt Hardy Of The Hardy Boyz Version 1.0 Heel I'm Matt Hardy, Version 1 Mattitude! Matt Hardy used to get to fuck Lita, the coolest bitch in the WWF. He and his brother Jeff are former Tag Team Champs and despite their ridiculous Mountain Dew Commercial personas, when it came to high-flying dangerous stunts, there was no team better. Matt is also a former European champion, and he may have even held the Intercontinental belt for a while. He has split with his brother, though, and is currently the Cruiserweight champion, having had to lose 10 pounds in a couple of weeks to beat Billy Kidman for it. He's founded The School of Mattitude, and he's got Shannon Moore as his MFer (mattitude follower haha!) crony to abuse. Jeff Hardy The Hardy Boyz Team Extreme Face {death-defying moves} {getting concussions} The more colorful Hardy Boy, Jeff did not get to fuck Lita. He could, however, fuck any woman in the audience at any WWF show, because they scream for him all the time. He's done some even more death-defying stuff than Matt has, but he's also been known to take risks, including the time he lost the tag team championship because he couldn't resist diving off a steel cage onto a Dudley boy resting on a table. Of course, Dudley was just playing possum, and tricked the young punk into smashing himself silly. He's recently taken to painting himself blue and coming onto Trish Stratus. Buh Buh Ray Dudley The Dudley Boyz Heel D-Von! Get the tables! Whazzaaaap?! Sick and twisted, Buh Buh takes the Dudleys mastery of the "table match" to new heights, as he went through a period where he delighted in smashing women through tables. He is from Dudleyville, and is rumored to have a million brothers and half-brothers. He wears camouflaged overalls and yet somehow doesn't look like a Bushwhacker. He and his brother D-Von are reluctantly in the thrall of Chief Morely at the moment, struggling to find a way out. D-Von Dudley The Dudley Boyz Heel Will there be tables involved? Whazzaaap?! TESTIFY! One of the few black men in the WWF, D-Von is also Buh Buh's half brother. The Dudleys are the masters of the "table match" and they love to smash people through the balsa wood/cardboard setups, although they've been put through many a table in their day, too. He's been very vocal to his brother Buh Buh about not wanting to obey Morely, but Bubba wants to save their jobs. Conflict! Spike Dudley The Little Show The Littlest Dudley Face I love you, Molly. Leave me alone! Spike weighs about a buck-oh-five, which means he can get tossed around like a fuckin' rag doll, but he can also pull off some moves that the big dudes can't. He used to fuck Molly Holly, which his brothers didn't approve of, and now he's on the outs with the other Dudleys. He also managed to win the Tag Team championship with Tazz a while back. He has the honor of being the first guy Brock Lesnar smashed into oblivion when he debuted. Tazz The Suplex Machine Face I got a guy, Joey Numbers, works down at the Port Authority You're just another victim! {Occasional commentator on Smackdown} {the 'bad cop' on Tough Enough} Tazz was apparently a bloody psychopath in the ECW, but sorta floundered for a while in the WWF, but he's transitioned into being an amusing commentator for Smackdown and rarely wrestles anymore. He's a little guy, but he's from Red Hook, Brooklyn, so he's tough. He got his ass handed to him regularly, but he never gave up and never backed away from a fight, and he was a tag champ with Spike Dudley. He's also got a guy, Joey Numbers, works down at the Port Authority. Nathan Jones None yet Heel Nothing yet. A huge, jacked-up and ripped Australian ex-convict, Nathan Jones has yet to make his actual in-ring debut. So far, all he's shown himself capable of is a spin kick, but there were a lot of slick promos for this guy, so they're hoping he'll make good. The Undertaker is currently schooling him on how to be a wrassler, and Jones is apparently impulsive and violent. Rey Mysterio Rey Rey Face Who's that jumpin' out da sky? R E Y Mysterio! There you go! Rey Rey is a phenomenon. A masked luchador with unbelievable wrestling skills and high-flying death-defying acrobatic talent, he took the WWE by storm in the middle of last year and wowed everyone, becoming an instantaneous hit. He's amazing to watch, and he dressed up like Daredevil at Wrestlemania. He's a little guy, though, so he might be stuck in the Cruiserweight division, but he's always a lot of fun. Hulk Hogan The Hulkster, Hollywood Hogan Face Whatchagonnado, brother, when the pythons run WILD on YOU?! Let me tell you somethin', Mean Gene, dude! Hulkamania is runnin' wild! {lots of flexing and posing} {balding} Hogan. Fucking HULK HOGAN. The most obnoxiously dominant wrestling personality of the 1980s is back in the WWE, and although he returned as a heel, he was so consistently and enthusiastically cheered for that he just HAD to become a good guy again after his Wrestlemania match with the Rock (which also started Rocky's slide into being a heel). No one thought they'd want this guy back, because everyone was so sick of his winning every match in the same stupid way, but the nostalgia's been eaten up so far. He's also over 50 years old and still enormous, which is weird, but he doesn't seem to have much left in the tank physically. At least he got rid of that shitty black beard. Kevin Nash Big Sexy Big Daddy Cool Diesel Heel {NWO stuff} Tall and imposing, Nash is a former WWF champion as its 80s popularity was winding down and he was performing as Big Daddy Cool Diesel. When Nash, Scott Hall and Hogan jumped to the WCW, it signaled a handful of lean years for the WWF, which caused them to go with Shawn Michaels, a former "Rocker," as their champion. When the NWO came to the WWE, it floundered a lot due to Scott Hall's firing, Hulk Hogan's turning good and Kevin Nash constantly blowing out his knees. He competed in his last match for all of 17 seconds before crumpling to the ground. He's been MIA ever since, but rumor has it he's due to return soon. It'll be interesting to see how he's used without the NWO crutch. Jamie Noble White Trash Heel Yee-haw! Jamie Noble is a trailer-trash hillbilly cruiserweight who enjoyed a long run with the championship before Billy Kidman snatched it away from him. He was wild and Springer-crazy, often pawning off his girlfriend Nidia onto other dudes just to watch them make out. He brought in his crazy cousin Nunzio to help him break a losing streak, but nothing ever came from that. He's still floating around the cruiserweight picture, though. Billy Gunn Mr. Ass Bad Ass Billy Gunn The One Heel I'm an Ass Man! {garish faggotry} A former New Age Outlaw, King of the Ring winner and member of Degeneration X, Billy Gunn has fallen upon hard times. He enjoyed a wonderful run as Mr. Ass only to find himself out of luck after a shoulder injury knocked him out for several months, and upon his return, he didn't have much to do, what with his partner Road Dogg bounced out for drug problems. He lost a match to RTC which forced him to stop calling himself Mr. Ass, which is a goddamned shame, because that's hilarious. He had to resort to acting "ambiguously gay" with his partner Chuck Palumbo in order to get a push. This culminated in a 'gay wedding' that revealed the whole thing as a publicity stunt, and Billy was injured again soon after, and hasn't been around for months. Chuck Palumbo F.B.I. Heel {formerly garish faggotry} Entering the WWF as part of the WCW invasion holding the tag team championship belts with since-vanished-and-revamped Sean O'Haire, Palumbo had what looked to be a promising start despite having RATT hair. However, with no nickname or no real persona, he's been thrust into the role of garish faggotry with Billy Gunn, and it's just sad, despite their long reign as tag team champions. He's currently in the FBI (Full Blooded Italians) with Nunzio and Stamboli, but they get beat by Rikishi a lot. Bradshaw The Acolyte Protection Agency (APA) Face {playing poker} {smoking cigars} {drinking beer} {hiring themselves out as bodyguards to pussy wrestlers} Bradshaw is a huge Texan that is apparently a stock market genius and full of cash. He wrestles because it's fun. That is awesome. I think he and Farooq, along with Edge and Christian and that vampire guy Gangrel, used to be part of Undertaker's Satanic Friends or something a while ago, but they've dropped all that bunk and now just get fucked up, play cards and smoke stogies and kick ass. They mean business, and Bradshaw spearheaded the WWF revolution against the WCW invasion. He's burly. Since the APA broke up, Bradshaw had a Hardcore title reign before getting sidelined with an injury months ago. He's been wrestling in the farm leagues for a while now and might pop up again soon. Ron Simmons The APA Faarooq Face {drinking beer} {smoking cigars} {playing poker} {bodyguard work for puss wrestlers} One of the few black men in the WWF, Simmons is also a former football star and current ass-kicker. He used to be called Faarooq and ran the Nation of Domination, a group of black men organized and kicking ass in the mid-90s, and this also included the nascent Rock, then Rocky Maivia. The APA had to break up a while ago after the big draft split, but rumor has it they've been teaming together again in the farm league, and could show up again soon. Steven Richards Founder of Right To Censor Fucking Psycho Heel It's for your own good! WWF is vile and depraved, yadda yadda! I'm hardcore! Steven Richards got all fed up with the filth and depravity in the WWF and set about trying to stop it - by brainwashing the worst purveyors of filth like Godfather and Val Venis, as well as bringing in Bull Buchanan and Ivory to form Right To Censor, which set about eliminating nudity and violence with clothing and violence. It was also a handy way for Vince McMahon to appease some of his sponsors without appearing to really submit to them. But that's over with, and Steven Richards has since been wearing pink trunks and being psychotic with his girlfriend, Victoria. Crash Holly Elroy Jetson The Houdini of Hardcore Face {walking to the ring with a scale} {being little} {nodding and chin rubbing} {being squirrelly} Joe Hunsaker's favorite wrestler, Crash Holly is the cousin of both Hardcore Holly and Molly Holly. He's also really little, like Spike Dudley sized, but really built. He enjoyed a long run as the Hardcore champion because he'd always wriggle away and get the fuck out of dodge before anyone could pin him. He was obsessed with calling himself a 'heavyweight' for a while, even though he's really little. He hasn't been seen for a while, but could pop up anytime. Hardcore Holly Sparky Plugg Bob "Sparkplug" Holly Face {blonde hair} After having horrible gimmicks forced upon him, Bob Holly dyed his hair blonde and became Hardcore Holly, a tough-as-nails guy. He's been injured for a long time now, but because he's not that scintillating a personality, nobody misses him. But he could always show up and be hardcore. Sean O'Haire Former Chuck partner Heel I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. {encouraging indulgence in vices} Sean O'Haire came into the WWE as part of the Invasion, the WCW Tag Team Champs with Chuck Palumbo. It was quickly seen that he needed a lot of work, so he was bumped down to the minors for a long time while Chuck engaged in garish faggotry. He's been showing up in promos lately, wearing a slick suit, looking slightly Fight Clubbish and encouraging people to cheat on their spouses, eat a lot and do whatever they want. He hasn't wrestled at all lately, but he did show up and goad Dawn Marie into getting topless. Not sure where he's going, but something interesting might be afoot. Rikishi Son of a Bitch (bad guy term only) Face {shoving people's faces into his asshole} {raising the roof} {dancing} {running over Steve Austin} You want a piece of the 'Kish? Back Dat Ass Up! Rikishi has a huge ass. He's got a huge fucking ugly ass, and he wears a thong. He then shoves his ass into people's faces after he beats them up enough for them not to see it coming. This guy is over 400 pounds and was "made famous" a while ago by the Undertaker after taking a dive off a huge steel cage onto a pickup truck. There was also a period of time where it was revealed that HHH got Rikishi to run over Stone Cold Steve Austin and put him out of action for 9 months because too many honkys were rulin' the roost and Rikishi wanted his half-Samoan pal The Rock to get out from under Austin's shadow. Rikishi was then a bad guy for a little while. Then he had a few injuries, and now he's back as a dance-lovin' wiping-ass-with-faces Samoan guy. He's a big bad man. Billy Kidman Kidman Face {being small and jumpy-roundy} Kidman was a big name in the WCW, it seems, and was once seen picking fights with Hogan. He hasn't got much of a personality to speak of, but he's a former cruiserweight champion and he does a mean shooting star press. Word has it he fucks Torrie Wilson in real life. Rico Garish Faggotry Stylist Heel {having huge sideburns) (wearing tiger-striped suits) Rico is apparently a stand-up guy in real life - former American Gladiator, former heroic Vegas cop - but he's been a real tool in the WWE. He was first introduced as Billy and Chuck's 'stylist' during the garish faggotry days, only to turn on them at the gay wedding and work with Bischoff to screw things up. However, nothing really came of that, other than Rico now apparently managing the Three Minute Warning guys. A-Train Formerly The Hip Hop Hippo Prince Albert Heel {piercings} {having a hairy back} {having a large head} {The Baldo Bomb} A-Train (The Artist Formerly Known as Albert) is huge. He's well over 300 pounds and nearly seven feet tall, but he carries it well, and he could crush many people. His neck is thicker than his head, or close to it. He's got a weirdly shaven beard and lots of piercings in his face. He thankfully wears a shirt, although if he wasn't wearing a shirt, you'd be hard-pressed to tell if he wasn't. He teamed with Test for a while under the tutelage of Trish Stratus, then inexplicably joined "X-Factor," when X-Pac tried to start his own group. Albert then decided to hook up with Scotty 2 Hotty and become the Hip Hop Hippo, dancing around like a goober, only to turn on him and be bad. Lately, he's come on strong as The A-Train, picking fights with the Undertaker and smacking Rey Mysterio around. Test Horse Face Face I Love My Testicles! {Stephanie McMahon's ex} {the big boot} {having Stacy Kiebler drool for him} Test is a large man, which is often forgotten because he looked like one of the many pretty-boy long-blond-hair guys floating around the WWF. It's not until he's in the ring and tossing people around like Smurfs that you realize he's a big sumbitch. When Stephanie McMahon turned evil, it was after HHH had "tricked" her into marrying him instead of Test. He went downhill for a while after that, including a stint with the Unamericans where he tried to burn flags and shit because he's from Canada. Stacy Kiebler turned him good again, though, and has been 'marketing' him by encouraging him to call his fans 'Testicles.' He MIGHT be two-timing Stacy though! INTRIGUE! Booker T Sucka The 5-Time 5-Time 5-Time 5-Time 5-Time WCW Champion Face Can you dig it, sucka? Tell me you didn't just say that! {The Spinaroonie} {staring at his hand} Booker T entered the WWF as the WCW Champion. The FIVE-TIME WCW Champion, and he doesn't stop letting people know that. Despite being really stiff and less than impressive as a performer, he still kicks some butt in the main-event circles, and doesn't show signs of leaving. His finishing move is simply the Rock Bottom renamed "The Book End," although he tends to use the scissors kick now. He had a long tag-team run with his unlikely partner Goldust. However, he's become one of the most popular good guys there are, and is currently hounding HHH for the title. Lance Storm Humorless Lance Heel If I could be serious for a minute... You don't belong in a place with serious competition. {being Kurt Angle Light} {being Canadian} Lance Storm has the makings of a great bad guy, and he could get a push at any time. He doesn't approve of the chicanery and hijinks that go on within the WWE, and he puts a stop to uncalled-for humorous antics and disrespectfully flippant remarks. He's also pretty good, and is a former Intercontinental Champion. He's got mic skills reminiscent of the great Kurt Angle, and should really team up with him. He just had a long run as the RAW Tag Team Champion with William Regal, and then Chief Morely, but he no longer gets to speak for some reason. Goldust The Strange One Dustin Rhodes Face {sucking in his breath} {flashy entrances and gold makeup} {wanting to be a movie star} {prancing around and being sexually ambiguous} Goldust. Perhaps the single most disturbing thing about mid-90s WWF and possibly the source of some inspiration for Marilyn Manson. The son of a disgusting pile of shit named Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes has taken to painting his skin gold, wearing a huge blonde wig and dressing up in a modified-Conquistador outfit and claiming to be the greatest thing since Marilyn Monroe. He enjoyed some success in his first WWF run, and seems to have given up trying to escape this gimmick. Somehow, he became a good guy by teaming up with Booker T and being funny, although he was recently electocuted by the 'Evolution' guys, and now has spastic near-Tourette's syndrome, and often suffers seizures during matches. Rob Van Dam RAW Tag Team Champion RVD The Whole Dam Show Mr. Monday Night Face Everything's cool when you're RVD! R! V! D! RVD has no real personality or mic skills, but he made a name for himself by pulling some insane, high-flying and incredibly daring stunts and was never afraid to bleed, and thus he earned the respect of the wrasslin' nerds. He's quickly made his way into the main-event championship ranks, coming very close to winning the prize each time. He is as popular as ever, despite the fact that sometimes when he wrestles he gets a bad case of sweaty asscrack. Nunzio Little Guido F.B.I. Heel Generic Italian Stereotypes Nunzio was formerly Little Guido in the ECW, and he was brought to the WWE under the idea that he was Jamie Noble's dangerous and crazy cousin that Nidia didn't approve of. However, virtually nothing was done to establish his relationship with Noble, and now he's on a separate show as the head of the Full Blooded Italians. Rikishi tends to kick their ass, though. The Hurricane Superhero Hamburglar Face Stand back! There's a Hurricane comin' through! Whassup wit dat? {believing a cape will make him fly} {having a secret identity as mild-mannered reporter Gregory Helms} Hurricane Helms did a few spots where he mentioned that he really liked comic books, specifically Green Lantern. From that blossomed an outlandish throwback gimmick where he parades around like a superhero. It's glorious. So now he fights on the side of truth and justice, with high-flying maneuvers and hilarious antics. He recently upset The Rock after harassing him for a few weeks, although Austin's distraction helped him out a little. I love the Hurricane. Johnny Stamboli The Bull F.B.I. Heel Generic Italian Stuff Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli debuted a while ago looking slightly like the Brooklyn Brawler, but without the dirty ass clothes, and with a funny hat and a cigar. He was briefly the Hardcore Champion (for about half an hour), but he'd been floating around the jabroni shows until the FBI formed and gave him something to do. He's a strong motherfucker, though, and maybe the FBI can grow out of being the guys Rikishi beats up. Roddy Piper The Rowdy One Heel PUT ON THESE GLASSES! "Rowdy" Roddy Fucking Piper. Legendary antithesis to Hulk Hogan in the 80s heyday, he has a case to make about being the man who truly put Wrestlemania on the map - what's a good guy without an archnemesis, anyway? The Rowdy Scot is returning to host his "Piper's Pit" segments on Smackdown next week, or so we're told. He made an appearance at Wrestlemania's Hogan-McMahon match and nailed Hogan with a lead pipe. He looked, however, horribly out of shape, so there's serious doubt that he'll ever actually wrestle, and there's also doubt that he'll even last long. But he's here, and he's Roddy Fucking "They Live" Piper. John Cena JC, Illest White Rap Star Heel Word life! Droppin' Thuganomics! Cena burst onto the scene by answering Kurt Angle's challenge to anyone in the back and slapping him down, nearly gaining a win over him. He was pretty generic, though, until Halloween rolled around, featuring Cena dressed as Vanilla Ice, and he got to do a little rapping as a joke. This has since exploded into his full-time gimmick, although he dresses more like your average hip-hoppas than ol' Ice Ice Baby. He has no sense of rhythm or flow, but lyrically, he's written some amusing rhymes, which he busts whenever he comes to the ring. He's recently been calling out Brock Lesnar a lot, so chances are they're hoping this guy goes far. Ric Flair The Nature Boy High-Flyin' Limousine Ridin' Stylin' Profilin' Flair Heel Whooo! {lisping} {wrestling far past his prime} {being ridiculous} Ric Flair is somehow a wrestling legend. He's a zillion-time WCW champion and a one-time WWF champion. He's gotta be pushing 60. He's the former co-owner of the WWF, after finagling 50 percent of the stock from Vince's children, only to lose it all stupidly in a wrestling match. Since then, he's floated around as HHH's handmaiden, helping form the "Evolution" group. He doesn't wrestle that much anymore, because he's aged, but they'll probably trot him out once in a while for nostalgia's sake. Shane McMahon Shane-O Mac Heel {prancing around} {being the son of Vince} {going nuts at PPVs} {appearing in Rollerball} Shane McMahon is the Billion Dollar Prince. He's the son of Vince McMahon, and has ridden the line between good and evil many a time, sometimes firmly aligned with his father, other times squarely against him. He's rarely been seen after he honorably shook his father's hand and left after the WWF defeated his WCW/ECW faction, but he's been known to come back at the most opportune times, and if he's got a match at a pay-per-view event, he pulls out some AMAZING tricks which make you forget he's the boss' pansy kid. He was seen in spots recently as a possible threat to Bischoff's job, as a trainer for Vince for his match with Hogan, and he showed up after Hogan beat Vince at Wrestlemania and just stared down the Hulkster. No idea what's in store for the guy. Vince McMahon Mr. McMahon The Billionaire The Boss Heel In the interest of fairness... Get ready to join the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club! Vince McMahon did it all. He forged the WWF through sheer force of will, organizing it into the only sports entertainment company succeeding in the world. He's an unsavory bastard, willing to stop at nothing to get what he wants, and has made more enemies than friends in his day. His kids hate him, his wife more often than not hates him. In creating the largest professional wrestling organization ever, he's also created a dysfunctional family... and he doesn't care. It's only the power that interests him, although word has it that Vince is Fair. Jerry Lawler The King A bit of both, actually Puppies! Bra and panties! You know what I like about her legs? They go all the way up and then they make an ass of themselves. This is weird! The most popular bad-guy commentator since Jesse "The Body" Ventura, King is much beloved by the crowd and takes part in every event that involves women removing their clothes in some way. Yet he always takes the point of view of the heels. He sometimes gets drawn into feuds with wrestlers, though, as he was quite a champion in his heyday. Bill DeMott Formerly Hugh Morrus Heel Being a Tough Enough asshole He's a big, thick, ugly man that brings up thoughts of a cruddier Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. He's not done much worthwhile and doesn't seem to be on his way to anything, either. When Tough Enough 3 was on, he got a few matches where he beat up cruiserweights and became a loudmouthed prick about things, so he may pop up again doing that sorta thing. Chavo Guererro Los Guerreros Face Being small and Latino Chavo is the nephew of Latino Heat Eddie Guerrero, and they've formed a really potent tag team Los Guerreros, who apparently Lie Cheat and Steal. They've also been Smackdown Tag Team Champions and recently turned into good guys simply because fans booed John Cena and B2 so much when they fought. That is amusing. Eddie Guerrero Latino Heat Face Viva La Raza! Eddie Guerrero is a well-respected mat technician and ring veteran, recently shorn of his long-held mullet. He and his nephew Chavo are Los Guerreros, recently Smackdown Tag Team Champions. Eddie himself is a former European and Intercontinental champ as well, and he's got a pretty bitchin' frog-splash. He used to fuck Chyna. Charlie Haas Smackdown Tag Champ Team Angle Heel Team Angle! Haas is partners with Shelton Benjamin as Team Angle, Kurt Angle's amateur wrestling star proteges who have made quite the impact on Smackdown since joining up with them, and are the current reigning Tag Champs. Not much has been shown of their personalities, but Haas has a finisher called The Haas Of Pain. Funaki EVIL! Face This is Funaki! Smackdown! Numbah One! Announcah! Funaki used to be part of Kaientai, and all he used to say was 'Indeed.' Lately, though, he's been tooling around backstage as an interviewer, made comical by the fact that he barely speaks English. Shelton Benjamin Smackdown Tag Champ Team Angle Heel Team ANgle! One of the few black men in the WWE, Benjamin came on strong when Kurt Angle introduced him as a protege of his, along with his Team Angle partner Charlie Haas, and they've quickly won the Tag Team titles. He has a strong amateur wrestling background and was a sparring partner with Brock Lesnar in college. Brock Lesnar WWE Champion The Next Big Thing The Vanilla Gorilla Face Well... HERE COMES THE PAIN! Brock Lesnar has had the single best rookie year in history. He had a huge undefeated streak, plowing through everybody in his path with the help of his agent/mouthpiece Paul Heyman and finally smashed The Rock at Summerslam to become the youngest WWE champion ever. When Heyman screwed Brock over and caused his first ever pinfall loss to be to the Big Show, Brock became a hugely popular good guy. He's massive, he's quick, he's animalistic and he can't really work the mic that well, but he's got such a dominating look that people love him anyway. Shannon Moore Mattitude Follower Heel MFer! Shannon "All That And" Moore is a goofy-looking kid with long blonde hair and apparently a doormat personality, as he's the sole follower of Matt Hardy's Mattitude Mantra. This means he's subject to the cruel whims of Matt Hardy, and he's often beaten down by Matt after trying his best in a match and coming up short, or failing to cheat to help Matt win. He's acrobatic and has some skills, but he doesn't get to talk much. Brian Kendrick The New Guy Face Smackdown's Spike Dudley Brian Kendrick is a little pretty dude, trained by Shawn Michaels. He had to do a lot of crazy things to get a job on the Smackdown roster, but he finally made it by beating Shannon Moore in a match. He's got some high-flyer moves and is definitely a cruiserweight, but chances are he's just going to be taking some crazy bumps from the big dudes to make them look more powerful. He's the feel-good underdog right now, though. Randy Orton Evolution Heel My arm is 95.5 percent healed! Randy Orton is second to The Rock as the only 3rd generation WWE superstars, as his dad was the crazy Cowboy Bob Orton. Randy came into the fed as a pretty boy, but once he was injured, he became a snotty bad guy by often breaking into important storylines to deliver a meaningless update on his healing process. Once he returned, he joined HHH's group Evolution, only to suffer another injury. He may return in a matter of weeks or months. Dave Batista The Former Deacon Batista Heel Arrrgh! Batista is a fucking monster. He's ripped, huge, tattooed and served as an underling to Reverend D-Von before striking out on his own and being mentored by Ric Flair. He dresses better now, but still has trouble delivering a solid powerbomb. He suffered an injury recently, and he may be out for months. Al Snow Tough Enough Mentor Face What does everybody want? Al Snow made a career out of being weird and nutty, carrying a bloody mannequin head to the ring with him and shouting "What does everybody want?" to which the crowd would yell "Head!" Then he was the teacher and father figure on MTV's Tough Enough and won a solid fan base. And now he acts as the mentor for Maven's new career. That doesn't mean he doesn't occasionally lace up and kick ass, though. Or at least attempt to. Christopher Nowinski Harvard Chris Heel I'm the first Harvard gradutate in WWE history! Nowinski was the front-runner but ultimate loser of Tough Enough 1, to Maven. However, through perseverance, he got a job anyway, and has been parading around, rubbing his Harvard credentials into everyone's face and becoming a decently effective heel. He insults everybody. He recently had to start wearing a protective face mask because his nose got broken at the Royal Rumble. Scott Steiner Big Poppa Pump Freakzilla Face Holla if ya hear me! This goes out to all my freaks out there! Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! Scott Steiner used to be a little jumpy roundy guy with a mullet ages ago, partnered with his brother Rick as part of the famous Steiner Brothers team in the old NWA/WCW. Somewhere along the line, Scott went completely insane, hooked a steroid IV up to himself and mutated into a freakish burly psychopath with a hideously deformed physique, bleached blonde hair and a little chainmail hat he wears to the ring. He steamrolled into the WWE as a major player, but soon discovered that he couldn't wrestle very well at all, and this brought boos to him. So now he's wrestling Chris Nowinski. Kanyon Kanyon Heel Who better than Kanyon? Chris Kanyon is unpleasant to watch, but he's somehow mildly popular as comic relief. He talks like a moron and something just feels wrong and off about him, but he's worn a belt or two in the WWF and once he heals up, he might come back strong. He's been injured for a while now, but he did show up recently in disguise as a Boy George impersonator that Big Show offered to Undertaker as an apology for tossing him off the Smackdown stage and nearly ending his career. Whatever. Jamal Three Minute Warning Heel Being a Fat Samoan Jamal is partners with Rosey. They are fat but quick Samoan bastards who Eric Bischoff utilized as enforcers for a while - whenever he was displeased with something, he'd say 'this has gone on for about three minutes too long'... and then these bastards would come out and destroy everybody. They've since proven themselves sloppy and a bit reckless, so they're fighting Maven. Chris Benoit The Canadian Crippler The Rabid Wolverine Heel Prove me wrong! Chris Benoit is one of the greatest technical wrestlers to grace the ring. His neck is very thick and he's missing a tooth or two, but he'll wriggle around you and get you into the Crippler Crossface so fast it'll make your head hurt a lot because he's pulling on your face and neck. He's a major player on Smackdown and has a long-running feud with Kurt Angle, although he's recently been teaming with Rhyno. Rhyno The Man Beast Heel {grunting} {beating chest} Rhyno is a manimal if ever there was one. Growling, snarling and charging at anything that moves, Rhyno would just as soon gore you as look at you. Long-reigning hardcore champion, Rhyno's a savage beast who's just hopped back in the thick of things after returning from a neck injury. He's been teaming with Chris Benoit and nearly captured the Tag Titles at Wrestlemania. Rosey Three Minute Warning Heel Being a Fat Samoan Rosey is partners with Jamal. They are fat but quick Samoan bastards who Eric Bischoff utilized as enforcers for a while - whenever he was displeased with something, he'd say 'this has gone on for about three minutes too long'... and then these bastards would come out and destroy everybody. They've since proven themselves sloppy and a bit reckless, so they're fighting Maven. Shawn Michaels The Heartbreak Kid The Show Stopper Face Don't hunt what you can't kill. HBK is somehow a WWE legend. He started out with Marty Jannetty as the high-flying tag team The Rockers, and soon blossomed into a crazy-go-nuts full-fledged World Champion after showing off his daredevil maneuvers, his charismatic cockiness and his pretty boy good looks. He's done it all in the WWE, and after suffering a serious back injury, he only wrestles part time now, but he was the World Champion last November after winning the Elimination Chamber match, and he's currently throwing down with Chris Jericho, and has a long-simmering feud with HHH. He is also a born-again Christian and wears a lot of Jesus shirts. Mark Henry Sexual Chocolate World's Strongest Man Face Sexual, baby. Sexual chocolate. Mark Henry is an enormous man, and he was even an Olympian weight lifter, and he won the World's Strongest Man competition. He's been sent down to the minor leagues to get into better shape, because he was letting himself go and they didn't have much use for him, since he can barely wrestle and finishes matches with the weakest looking bearhug you ever saw. Tommy Dreamer The Innovator of Violence Heel (hitting people with kendo sticks) Tommy Dreamer was some sort of celebrity of note in the ECW, apparently a hardcore artiste. He hasn't found a lot of success in the WWE, although he had a short-lived grossout gimmick where he would eat out of urinals, drink tobacco spit and smear himself with vomit. Then he started busting out kendo sticks a lot and smacking people with them. Too bad there's no hardcore title anymore. Josh Matthews Tough Enough Tool Face Announcer Guy Josh was a tool in Tough Enough 1, and he lost. He's a little guy, but somehow he managed to land a spot on the big show, although it's only as a backstage announcer. He was a whiny little bitch on the show, but the fact that he was trying to be a wrestler means he might show up in the ring at some point. Ernest Miller The Cat Face The CAT! The Cat was a big part of WCW during its swan song, a commissioner, a guy who wrestled in bare feet and had a James Brown sounding attitude about him. He's currently just a commentator on Velocity or something, but the fact that he's around leads me to think he might make his way to the ring soon. WOMEN WRASSLERS Molly Holly Pure of Heart Heel Doesn't talk much Molly Holly was an upright citizen, cousin to Crash and Hardcore Holly and an all around good egg. She's a cute, spunky gal and quite an ass-kicker if ya get her riled. She dated Spike Dudley for a while, and then was Hurricane's sidekick Mighty Molly for a spell, too, before turning holier-than-thou and hating all women in the WWE who were indecent, which is all of them. She had to suffer through some nonsensical 'big-butt' jokes at her expense, even though she's beautiful. She's also formerly Miss Madness, a Randy Macho Man Savage protege. Trish Stratus Women's Champion Large Breasted Woman Face It's about time to get some Stratusfaction. I'll take you to the Stratusphere. Trish Stratus is an incredible babe and one of the few with a last name. She was a vindictive manager for a while, and even went so far as to frolick with Vince McMahon in a quest for power. But now she's found her self-esteem and is managing to kick some ass, even holding the Women's Championship a number of times, and she's not about to give it up without a fight. Trish is a headlining babe, and she doesn't mind taking her clothes off. Dawn Marie Large Breasted Woman Heel Assorted Vampy Things Dawn Marie is a weird bitch. She's got a hot bod, a disturbing face, and she apparently fucked Torrie Wilson's father to death, but before that, she blackmailed Torrie into sleeping with her, and then went back on her word anyway. This was weird and dumb. Then Sean O'Haire got her to show her boobs to a crowd. She hasn't been around for a while though. Jacqueline Jackie Face Doesn't Talk Much Tiny, huge-breasted and badassed, Jackie likes to fight. She trained the women on Tough Enough and thus became beloved. She's taken to playing special referee, but she's never far from the Women's Title picture. Jazz ECW Bitch Heel The bitch is back! Jazz is one tough mama. She stormed into the WWF out of nowhere and has brutalized the women pretty handily, and she recently returned from an injury to smack Trish around and harass Victoria as well. Lawler claims she looks like James Earl Jones. She = tough. Lita Team Extreme Face {fucking Matt Hardy} {high-flying death-defying maneuvers} Lita is the most accomplished and talented of the wrestlers in the Women's Division, and she used to hang around with the Hardy Boyz and uses a lot of their moves. She was also the most popular chick in the WWF, at least among the ladies until she suffered a devastating neck injury while shooting an episode of "Dark Angel," of all things. She's been recovering while being a color commentator on Sunday Night Heat, and there's a chance she may make her way back soon. Terri She-Devil Face {assorted catlike purrs and growls} Terri is a babe that likes to show it off, including hanging over the ropes and showing off her cleavage. She doesn't wear much. She used to fuck Perry Saturn, but was driven away when he went insane and joined the Alliance, which then soon crumbled. She doesn't wrestle much, preferring her job as a backstage interviewer. She also was apparently married to Goldust in real life. Torrie Wilson Dawn Marie's Stepdaughter The Hottest Babe in the Rebellion Face {giggles} Torrie Wilson, good lord. She's got the hottest babe title won handily, and there are babes to be found in the WWE. Wilson's got it going on, though. She's not big on the fighting, but she's big on the clothing removal competitions, and is currently on the cover of Playboy magazine. Count on her showing up a lot, because dudes love her, and dudes watch wrestling. She's often seen sucking lollypops. Stacy Keibler Hot Legs Face {showing her asscheeks to referees to distract them} Stacy's got long legs that go all the way up to her hips and make an ass of themselves. She's pretty fabulously put together. She's been Test's manager/girlfriend for a while now, trying to market him to be more successful, although she's suspecting him of being a philanderer. Stephanie McMahon The Billion Dollar Princess The Former Mrs. Game Heel/Face I'm Daddy's Little Girl Stephanie started out innocently enough - the boss' daughter romanced by a benevolent, well-meaning Test and taken to the altar, after surviving the maniacal Undertaker's clutches. Somehow, through trickery, the nefarious HHH managed to trick Stephanie into marrying HIM instead! Woe is them! Then, suddenly, it turns out that there was no trickery at all! Stephanie WANTED to marry HHH, and to hell with her beloved Test! Test hasn't been the same since, and neither has Stephanie. She was spoiled, nasty, selfish and childish. Her lies and jerkness caused HHH to end their marriage, though, and perhaps caused her to rethink things after a lengthy absence. She's now the General Manager of Smackdown and calls the shots on that show. She has huge fake boobs. Victoria The New Crazy Chyna Heel (biting Steven Richards) Victoria made a pretty strong first impression on the WWE, storming in like a psycho out of heck and seizing the women's title, harassing Trish Stratus for shaky personal reasons. She's tall, talented, attractive and spastically insane, as evidenced by her relationship with Steven Richards. Ivory The Shrew Heel You will pay! (or some such) Ivory is the screeching banshee of the Women's Division, never really well-liked, and she prefers it that way. She even joined the RTC for a while and tried to destroy Chyna because of the Playboy spread. She's the nastiest woman in the ranks of the dames, and although she hasn't been seen for a while, she's sure to pop up again soon. Sable Sable Bomb Face Various sexy things. Sable has just returned after a few years of layoff. She was the sexpot of the mid 90s who pioneered the idea of the WWE having 'Divas.' She was the first WWE star to appear in Playboy, although word has it she can't really act or wrestle. She has huge boobs, though, and is a mother. Nidia Female Tough Enough Winner Jamie Noble's gal Heel (gum chewing) (trailer trash lookin') Nidia's the first female Tough Enough winner, and she's been going totally trailer-trash and dating Jamie Noble for months now, making out with guys at his behest, like Tye-jeery and Michael Cole, among others. She's jealous of Torrie being in Playboy.